weak. in mind. in body.

bleahz. i am so drowsy today. early in the morning already so tired. school was worse, as usual. (okay. dad's nagging at me doing this thing. "only three months! stop all this" ( -_-") okay i will stop!) social studies lesson was interesting. supposedly, there was a test on population of singapore. apparently, mrs chee forgotten about it completely! she came in, and when everyone was preparing to take out their foolscaps, she suddenly said, "have we gone through the second question of your previous class test?" she didn't even see the notice on the board. of course, the class yi kou tong sheng, said no, marist spirit at work you see, even jason, the gaui kia in the class, suddenly rushed to the board, and pretended to clear the whiteboard, which in fact, cleaned off the notice of the test. such a smart move i never expect from jason. haha.

class went on. its funny how teachers can change thier faces in a second. miss jaz, came in with a black black face, meaning not happy. i wonder how, she suddenly cheered up after talking to us. 4f sure works wonders! can it be? that feelings can be as unpredictable as radioactive decay of some unstable nuclei? like... radon 222?! as wad ah chia siad, radiation takes place randomly, over time and space, and direction. perhaps feelings are like radiation, emitted by the decay of some stuff in our body? haha. go figure.

anyway. its pass out day plus 5. slowly, my friend. slowly. the feeling will pass. tomorrow;s my dive trip! wish me best, and hope i don;t catch a cold. it would land me in deep shit. okay. cheerios my dear reader. guess what, i'm in love again! haah. that's what i think only. still unsure. lolx.

time has its ways. to torture. to tease. to pleasure. to sadden. to love. so many things time can do. but time has time to do them all?- me

smiles.

now i begin to see what smiles brings to people. you see, the make people feel more homely, more welcomed. rather than seeing the black, monotone face of yours, just smile, and you bring warmth to their hearts. got a first hand experience. yesterday, went for a pool dive. at outram sec. where else can you go to do your pool dive man.. besides the expensive and savy acs barker road one. stupid buggers. flithy rich students. anyway, the dive master who was in charge of my "refresher" course, never quite smiled. i began to not like her from the start i saw her already. damn. hopes she gets DCI during the trip boy. *evil laughs*

the pool dive caused me to be late for tuition last night. had tuition only for like, 30 minutes of the supposedly 2 hours. right. i was that late. yay! going for my dive trip this friday evening. going to meet more friends i hope, friendly friends. *smiles* anyone who wants something from tioman be it a shirt or whatsoever, please sms me! i promise to get you something!

its passing out day plus 4. four days have passed. the feeling is still there. the lingering feeling of sadness, yet happiness, contradictory you see. on the surface, you see us, smiling at the juniors. but on the inside, we really want to go back, to oversee everything. this incident happened on tues. i was walking to the porch. suddenly someone called out my name. it was a part b by the name of gregory, if i'm not wrong. he said, "you all pass out already right? can call you name already hor." i nodded. he nodded. then he says good bye and waved. i waved back. things happen so fast. i was in his shoes once. waving to my senior. years passed so fast. memories flood back now and then. in the night. in the day. where i'm alone, i see all these beautiful images in my head. no matter what, these people will remain in my head. as people i relied on for so many things. i hope, the unit, with the new leadership, will be able to scale greater heights. i so very hope. and guys, i will be watching you. *watching you........*

number one uniform i returned. without major tan kb-ing. haha. i had to part with my dive pin. someday or another, i will be reunited with you my precious, i promise. *my precioussssss*(imitating smigel) if anyone wants to see the pop pictures, and of course, the very suave ex-csm of the unit in action, www.pop2004.blogspot.com its quite erm, funny would be the word. haha. cheer up dudes.

the smiles people have on their faces are actually two sided if they are just smiles. an eye smile, is one that is true.- me

my passing out.

standing there. with my 18 good friends. my mates. my buddies i counted for support. people i so very cherished. as they are the ones that accompanied me through my four years. they endured hardships, pains, smiles, tears, laughs, and everything wih me. for that, i extremely honoured. i thank you, my good friends, who made my life in ncc, a unforgttable one. i honour you guys, your faces, your everything. you all have seen me through so many things, spurred me on. i thank you once again my friends. we marched in, with the stupid song playing. speeches were given in honour of us, dog tags were given to us. we marched past. and for the last time together, my friends, we persu-right. decommisioned and dismissed. our final steps together, left, right, left. we shouted, BARRAUCUDAS, for the last time together, at the top of our voices, and finally, threw our berets into the air without the fear of it on the floor. we let out our voices of excitement. feelings were overwhemled. wines sprayed all over. funny spraying things. and we raped each other. how can i ever forget my dear friends. i love all of you.

if you can recall my friends, 3 and a half years ago, about that time, we were small, puny, self-centre bastards, bespectacled some of us were and now, where we stood yesterday, was the exact postiton where we had our selection. it seemed like yesterday. years passed so fast. do you remember? well, i do. we reported at 2.30pm. at the primary school field. joesph and me, plus clement, were the three hopefuls from class 1 i. we sat there, on the stands, awaiting the arrival of the sec 3s(the pioneers), the instructos whom i learned to look up to, people who i respected with time to come. what we did, was nothing i ever did before at that time. me, a very weak person, with no courage or whatsover, had little chances to enter this unit. the candidates were put throug various of physical tests. push ups, runs, situps. everything we could, we did. not with gusto i promise you, but the mentality of a kid, who wanted to give up so very badly. weather wasn't what you called perfect. it was raining, and the place was muddy. when the rain stopped, LTA terence teo, another person whom i hold in regard but left the unit, cam to us and said, "now we do situps." i was utterly shocked. in the mud, yes. we ran, to the spots, lay down, and continued with our tests, as i try desperately to bring my arms to my knees, emmaunel wong, the asm lower that time, forced me to carry on. i thank you for that. Guan hao, the boat spec, big in size, and big in heart, led us for the run. i was stryggling to catch up. for me, that time, one round was already enough for me. we ran, and ran.

suddenly, my father emerged from the shadows. he came, telling me my sister's chin was hurt in a rugby match. he wanted me to bring me home. i complied, but suddenly telling my father no in the car. i wanted to become a barracuda. i wan't ready to go home like that. so i went back to the place, and i ran again. at seven pm. my interview with the co(terence teo) began. my legs were shaking by that time. the runs were taking its toll. he asked the first very question," why do you want to join the ncc?" i replied. "i want to be ready for national service sir!" that was when the specs said wow, sarcasticly. he carried on to ask many other questions. i was starting to lose hope as i relaised i was no good enough. then suddenly, he told me, "okay, xuan sheng, go take your form and pass it up on monday. welcome to the barracudas."

the feelings at that time was un describable. i tell you, it was one of the best moments of my life, my good friend. did you had the same feeling as me? i guess so.

my ncc life was so full. the first sea com i went, the atmosphere was so warming. the part a camp. boat management course. school's part a and b camp.my first sea com which i participated and won third place. orinteering com. mstd. spec crse. bbaq. rike. bdc. so many memories. so many thoughts. so many regrets. i thank you people for making that happen. i thank you. as i sat on the bus yesterday, my emotions i couldn't control as i let down a tear of mixed feelings. it went down my cheek, from the corner of my eye. i wiped it, and smiled. a new beginning awaits my good friend.

special thanks to joesph, my good ol sec 1 and 2 ncc buddy who went together with me for most of the things. clement, who provided me with laughter, and helped me along since sec 1. phillip, a person i confide in, with so much things, and solutions he gave me, the support he tried to give since sec 3. kenneth, whom i not really liked, but in the end, i still love him, because he gave me the motivation to do better in everything i did. and so many other people whom i want to thank. its because of them that i am here.

never shall i forget the past. my good friends. its my honour working with you all, barracudas, the 2001 batch, 1st company, third intake. nemo me impune lacessit.- us.